Love Notes From Adriane

With it being the final few days of the NICU awareness month, I thought this would be the perfect time to share my NICU journey. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to share it but I find healing and letting others know how God once again brought me through.

On August 22, 2020 my son Donovan was born at 32 weeks 6 days by emergency csection. Many of you know I consider myself a thug but I cried like a baby that day. I will tell my pregnancy/ birth story at a later date but just know it was traumatic.

Although he was considered premature Donovan was four pounds six ounces and came out screaming at the top of his lungs. Those emergency doses of steroids I had during my preterm labor hospital stay did the job. He was only on a cpap machine to assist with his breathing for 48 hours. And only needed an IV for fluid for 4 days. Basically Donovan was there just to learn to breathe, suck and swallow simultaneously.

Breathing sucking and swallowing simultaneously is usually something babies develop at 37 weeks.

But because Donovan was doing great, the NICU was mostly a huge emotional undertaking for me. I was a ball of tears many days. And I cried for many particular reasons.

1. Leaving him alone every single day in a strangers care. Everyday for 21 days, I would spend 8 hours at the NICU with Donovan. Learning to care for him, talking to with the lactation coaches who motivated me to keep pumping even though it took my milk 6 days to come in. Talking to his doctors who I asked dozens of questions. Practicing with the physical therapist and learning ways to work with Donovan to help with his development and assisting the nurses so when he came home I knew how to care for him. Everyday when I left him I would be in tears because I felt like I failed and I didn’t know how he was being treated when I left. It was as all anxiety because the nurses were amazing.

2. Not feeling like a mom because my baby wasn’t with me. Which made me feel like we didn’t have that special bond many women talked about. You couldn’t imagine how many times people asked me how it felt to be a mom. And I would tell them I loved him but I didn’t have that mommy feeling. I just felt like I was visiting this beautiful little boy. I honestly didn’t feel like his mom until he came home. I didn’t build a bond with him while in the NICU and I was getting worried that I was suffering from a slight bit of postpartum depression.

3. The thousands of questions from family and friends that gave me more anxiety and heartache. Although I know they meant well all the questions about when Donovan may be able to go home, why he still had a feeding tube, what was weight that would be okay to send him home etc. Those questions didn’t help because it all depended on Donovan’s eating on his own. I know everyone meant well, but I wasn’t in the right headspace to deal with all those questions.

But the part of the NICU that challenged me most were the phrases people would say to be positive. Like “atleast you get to heal and get some rest before he comes home.” Just know I was not resting. And “atleast he will be on a schedule.” Or “Atleast he will be comfortable with strangers.” Just know none of those things made me feel great or helped me feel like a mom.

Donovan has been home a little over two weeks now and life is great. We are exhausted but it’s all worth it. And just know he’s still not on a schedule. Be kind to new moms but especially kind to NICU moms.

Xoxo – Adriane